examining divorce

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Examining divorce, the reality “I wanted something different” exists.

 

IT IS a very unfortunate development in life, that when male and female meet, and find “chemistry, or a need between them”.  The end result can be, that we made a decision before we were prepared to do this, for a lifetime.

The constant of that relationship, does pose a question:  IS THIS ENOUGH, for me/ for the rest of my life in time? So, I will discuss my own divorce with you as an example:  married two years/ divorced now over forty, “no children”; are the particulars.  Although memory is “patchy” in all areas of the past, some of it remains clear.

We begin with how marriage arises, when it is not expected to develop:  men desire women, it is a fact of nature.  Women desire men, and find safety and securities with those who care. For both sexes, it can be very hard to let these things die:  consequently trying to hold on, is a constant of the dating world. As to me, I intended from very early on; that I would spend my life fighting to remove the threat of weapons of mass destruction from this world/ that was my choice, and as threats multiplied, it became my need.  My ex-wife wanted to be “normal/ but she wanted me too”/ a fact that does not work well with what is “an alternate extreme behavior”, in the eyes of most. We decided to try anyway;  because female dating behaviors include “frantic means of holding on”/ and I had decided “I AM NOT going to hurt anyone else”; so I made every effort, to gracefully and kindly exit the relationship prior to this without success.

Marriage changed us both:  can’t play anymore, we each made regrettable decisions, and now had to work within that change or return to what we had been before.  Compromise did not work, and we separated:  her to what I suppose was a much more normal life, and I, as living allowed:  to what became an extreme life, searching endlessly for knowledge. As that was necessary to survive.

So, the lesson of dating is:  remain true to yourself/ because that, is the only person you truly have to live with.  Remain yourself, “just clean it up/ until the expressions of your own heart, define your  own, honest love!  Remain true to the values of your heart, but understand:  if this is not to be for a lifetime, then let reality be whatever it must be. Love is a destiny we share as one, the place we build together as our chosen decision.  Which does mean, if we do not live the same journey;  we cannot “build the same house”.  Choices must be made, eternity will know.

Divorce is a tragedy of sorts;  because no matter how much you can’t walk the same path together/ you CAN remain loving each other, for the contributions you did make, to my own existence. We can and we did share, because that is what it takes to build a relationship. Sharing means “you get a piece of my heart”/ and when you leave, that leaves with you.  By my own choice:  it is the price of sharing, loving, and respect for your existence.

A broken heart means:  now, I must rebuild within myself, everything I gave away and have now lost.  It is hard, because love is a very precious thing. Love, is not without substance. Therefore it feels physically “gone”/ and there will be tears, even if you know, this is the reality of choices we both made. Nobody gets to own someone else, which means “they get to choose”/ even if it is harsh to you. We get one life in time, one passage through youth, health, and so on:  life is not a game/ we each must choose, as best we can. Or if not the best we could do/ then the consequences in reality of what it means, to NOT respect each other.

Respect asserts:  we have chosen to live this life together, and support each other in our survival and choices that can be found as beneficial to each life. When we do not “walk the same path”/ as is I HELP YOU/ AND YOU HELP ME;   time will distribute the reality of our lives at an ever distancing place. Without the support of honest caring, literal sharing,  equal realistic opportunities, and simple choices that underscore and identify “we are living this life together as one”. You are more important to me, than anything else I desire or want.  The end result is we fail each other.

The more we fail to do those things, the less we have to talk about or share; and the distance grows wider.  Sex cannot heal a broken heart (in one or both), and it is the failing of respect, the refusal to share or care honestly in ways I understand, the acceptance of change, or the denial of a freedom “to be me, with you”;  are all ways that must be healed before sex can assist your lives together.

What sex can do is, present an option:  IF you can discard the physical or mental aspects of sexual behaviors/ so that love itself can take over the experience, to express a new beginning.  Intimacy is the single purpose of sex, beyond “nature”.  Intimacy is the critical link between my life and yours, isolated from all the rest. It is not easily disguised, but it is also not easily destroyed. We know each other, is a functional or fundamental truth assigned by intimate relations. What we don’t know in each other, is what remains behind;  hidden from view.

Want is a constant liar, the very foundation of every lie:  because if you don’t want something that truth will not let you have “without a lie”/ then you don’t lie. Or more simply:  every lie, is about what that person wants/ rather than what they believe they can attain without a lie. Pride enters in, to make life a game:  the element of making each other a winner or a loser (instead of a friend), arises from here.

On the other side of things, is the reality of hiding in work/ so as to avoid communications or intimacy, or the reality that something is wrong.  I did that/ the result was a sadness that translated into not eating enough, so constantly tired.  The sadness came, because what I desired my life to be/ had been compromised to the point of extinction:  THIS, is not truly me, or my ways, or my own desires, anymore! Slavery “to you” then ensues, because my life, and my need;  was not respected. The result:  I stopped compromising, and started rebuilding my own experience and expression of life and living;  to regain my life as myself. It is a hard journey; requiring separation so as to heal. That led to frustrations for her/ she considered having a child (I could stop birth control,  you know). Which led to no sex, because “children are not toys”; and parents need to know that.

The net effect is:  to survive a relationship, there must be honest and real communication. So why not?  The answer is, as it always is:  “I believe, I know, what your answer already is”.  We all hear each other talk/ experience the choices each other makes/ and express the desires of our own hearts to each other throughout time together as one:  sex in particular identifies “happiness and commitment, or not”. So when people say “I know/ what the other is thinking”;  they are about “half right, or a tiny bit more” on most occasions.  Half right, means you can or are “half wrong”. The consequence is, it takes courage to find the rest. The critical test is:  having come this far, “CAN THE reality of my own desire/ honestly and fairly live, with the reality and truth of your own desires”?  if not, the quest for a lifetime has ended/ even if you try.

My desire “to fight for this world, by stopping insanity”;  could not be overcome. It is inherent in my existence, and it is true in my own desire. We divorced/ there were tears and consequences.  I know not how her life went/ mine is as intended, or expected from existence;  even if “love, as a physical part of life” was largely over. To be fair:  at the time I believed “this could not possibly take more than ten years”/ so then I could start again. It would not be so!  This world is more important, no excuses!  I would, do so again:  “lose a world, and there is nothing left”.  Extremely few “feel the same”/ even so, this was and is my decision.

Across the world, people face divorce and the reality thereafter:  because dating is not given the respect it deserves. Which is time, without sex to identify what we can or cannot,  share for a future life. Women do push men to be what they want them to be;  and then complain because they are not the same men which they married. “because you changed me”.  Women do push men to accept debts or decisions they are not prepared to make:  because they want something involved.  Which leads to a wide variety of consequences, including slavery to money/ and the harsh realities of endless work, without a reward: and the backlash for that. “Many things” go wrong, because want is an enemy & pride is a fool (life is not a game).  Men fail women as well:  MOST often, because they have failed to become “men”. By believing their penis is just a toy they want to use, or even abuse. That is not “sexually fulfilling to women”/ it is abuse. Which means, most women then do not want sex; and refuse. But nature pushes, and something will arise in either; because the chemicals are addictive/ and people “want what they want”. Simple as that.

Loneliness also sets in, whenever a relationship is failing. Loneliness is “the value of my life”/ no longer makes me happy.  Value is the elemental task of respecting “the miracle of body, life, and time” given to you.  Happiness is born in freedom/ but discipline creates love;  and only love can then establish an order that seeks and recognizes true JOY.  Joy identifies, together we have become as one;  therefore lonely never more.

 

The quest of humanity, is to build what can survive into eternity.  Only TRUTH survives, which means anything less is tearing down, the life we could have earned.

 

The decision to separate lives, is serious. The decision to separate family, is more serious.  The reality of living does demand:  if we cannot share honestly and truly care about each other/ then we must find a different path, “for each one”.  Because the end result of life and living is:   “my life must survive, as I intend it to be”.  Anything less is a sacrifice, that consumes love, and takes away the happiness I or we deserve.  The impact on children will always be “tragic”/ but they too, have their own lives to live, and they do not own the parent. Nor does the parent own the child.  Which means:  love will remain for each one that chooses it, as a path forward, achieved together. Love is resilient/ hate is not.  Love translates family as “what we can and do share/ because we cared”.  Hate seeks revenge, or lets your own heart die instead.  Love knows, “we did care”/ and that is more, than those who never found love or failed to try.  Consequently all who divorce must understand:  it is not “the opposite sex” which has failed you/ it is the lack of a journey defined by both, that we can share. Or more simply, the essence of every relationship is:  “I am not your everything/ I am only, your friend”. If that is not enough, we will never truly be “family, or lovers”, as it was intended to be. Without trust, every relationship dies. Without truth, trust cannot survive. It is that simple.

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